This post has been updated to include a postscript because people are crazy
Long story short: Grace went on a date with comedian Aziz Ansari, willingly got naked, willingly put his penis in her mouth and later claimed misconduct in this article. Then other women then said Aziz did nothing wrong, then other women got mad at these women and it devolved into women making fun of each others’ ages, lipstick and hair.
And if you think the Aziz story warrants attention, you should read this article where yet again, a woman willingly put a man’s penis in her mouth, later became embarrassed and ruined his life all while following campus protocol.
Ladies, these are just cases of classic misunderstanding. And the reason is that you banned mansplaining and now have no idea how to interact with men. This MeToo or not MeToo confusion was bound to happen. And it’s unfortunate, because claiming sexual misconduct where none exists only undermines everyone’s veracity. Fortunately for you, I’m bringing back mansplaining to help you avoid your very own Aziz-esque scenario where you on a date with a moron. You’re welcome.
1 – Don’t put penises in your mouths Central to Grace’s story was her reliance on “non-verbal cues” to show she was not interested. However, of all the potential non-verbal cues to achieve this, putting a penis in your mouth is a poor choice. Men will often consider their penis in your mouth as a sign of affection. If you make a list of all the non-verbal cues you could come up with to show you don’t like a guy, inserting his penis in your mouth should not be on it.
2 – Don’t get naked Again, another horrible non-verbal cue. Men like boobs. Boobs can be distracting. Showing a man your boobs is a horrible way to expect him to notice other non-verbal cues.
3 – The purpose of dates is sex When a man asks, “Would you like to get dinner with me?” he is really just his way of saying, “Will you have sex with me?”
Accept, that at some point, the end game of a date, or dates, is sex.
This can be confusing, so I have compiled other phrases men use but really mean “Will you have sex with me?”:
“I’m sorry your cat died.”
“I can’t believe he said that to you.”
“I have a cat.”
“Please tell me more about the Women’s March.”
“This soy milk is delicious.”
“I like Hillary.”
4 – Stop going into apartments: Apartments are boring. I’ll explain every apartment to you: walls, ceiling, TV, rooms. Pretty much it. Do you think he has an undiscovered Da Vinci painting inside? Is Cirque du Soleil upstairs doing a quick set? No. Going into an apartment after a date is a non-verbal cue that you may be interested in sex. In the words of Whoopi Goldberg, “If you’re not interested in having a physical relationship say goodnight after dinner.”
5 – Split the check: When men buy you things, especially on dates, they are simply trying to buy sex. By accepting these freebies, you are expressing that you can indeed be bought and men will often expect a return on their investment. You know this, and sometimes, as you express in your MeToo stories, you feel an obligation to fulfill your end of the transaction. Buy less shoes, and buy more food.
6 – You are not equal sexually The Sexual Revolution cannot beat out evolution. The majority of you are not made for 1 night stands. This is not my opinion but fact. We are not far removed from our caveman days. If you became pregnant back in the day on a 1-nighter you’d end up wandering the savannah, unable to care for yourself and starve to death or become sabertooth cat food. It’s an evolutionary loser for the survival of the limited number of offspring you can produce. You are more likely to feel shame after a one night stand, and then claim misconduct, because it is evolution telling you to stop having sex with random cavemen. You need security. And a cave. And a cavemen to kill mammoths. Don’t blame me, blame evolution.
Ladies, you’re welcome. My advice should prevent awkward sexual situations you may later regret. And for one more obvious tip, speak actual words to men to express your feelings.
Of course, this works best without a penis in your mouth.
Thank you for reading. Feel free to tell me I’m crazy. Click here for my homepage – Nick
I’ve added this postscript due to this post’s feedback and realized everyone triggered is even more wrong and I am even more right.
I stand by my post; every suggestion I gave is sound and logical, and although crass nobody has argued against their merits. Which is the only type of arguing that should exist. But still, people lost their minds over it, claiming I have sent “Women back 100 years.”
Who is my target audience? The young women who are regretting their choices. Not the women who are raped. Not the women who are sexually assaulted. The women who end up in articles in the NYTimes such as Aziz Ansari is Guilty: Of Not Being a Mind Reader. The women who get excoriated on live TV and told, “You had an unpleasant date and you did not leave. That is on you.” Maybe it comes from the infantile “safe-space” attitude on their college campuses. Maybe they can’t talk about gender because instead of focusing on the 2 they have been told there are 50 or so others. Maybe they are so used to texting they are not able to actually communicate in person.
But these women are my target audience. So spare me your convoluted thoughts about rape and sexual assault or even misconduct. This is ultimately about clearly communicating, so do not conflate terms.
Here is a new tip: beware of the cognitive dissonance feminist. Especially the male, cognitive dissonance feminist. What is cognitive dissonance? Holding contradictory beliefs but believing yourself logical. Like the man who was offended by my post because men at his bar flirt with his female bartender. But he gladly takes these customers’ money, routinely hires young women, and has forgotten telling me he thinks of having sex with them. The man who has benefited financially from the porn industry, an industry that many say subjugates and uses women (read Empire of Illusion: The End of Literacy and Triumph of Spectacle). Are these men lying to me about their feminist bonafides? No. I believe them to be sincere. Did Aziz believe he did anything wrong? No.
And that’s my point: stop relying on men while dating. Their cognitive dissonance will cloud their judgement. And their actions. They will think they are doing nothing wrong.
And women, I’m embarrassed for you. I’m embarrassed on your reliance on men to control these situations. Comment after comment stating that the men are to blame. That the men should know better. Is that what feminism has come to today? Walking around in a vagina hat but delegating responsibility and full control of vaginas to men? That’s pathetic.
Women want the nuclear codes and to negotiate international treaties but somehow can’t manage dinner and a movie? That’s your logic? Have higher expectations for yourselves. Have more faith in yourselves.
Take off the stupid hats if you don’t think women are equal. Take off the stupid hats if you think women can’t navigate a simple date. Take off the stupid hats if you believe your entire well-being and safety balances on the whims of a man. Take off the stupid hats if you think women are too frail to express themselves. Take off the stupid hats if you think women are such delicate creatures they are too incompetent to act for themselves.
Either I’m crazy or at some point, a feminist has to believe women are equal.
Also, have a sense of humor already.